I’ve been gone a long time, and guess what – it has done me no good whatsoever.
I have spent the last 2 years wandering aimlessly from one diet to the next, never quite ‘getting there’ and inevitably ending up in a worse place than where I started. Such is the curse of the serial dieter, I guess.
I’m going to start posting here again. I am still not right with food, or with myself generally. There are some core issues I face, to do with self-image, gender, sexuality and such, that I must deal with in order to understand why it is that I am eating to try and kill myself. Which is exactly what I have been doing, unconsciously at first but nowadays it’s a real goal. I would be too scared to do it any other way; eating myself to death actually seems like a soft option.
It has to stop.
This morning I weighed 243lbs, which is 17 stone 5lbs, or 110.2kg. This is the most I have weighed since I was in my early twenties, when I reached the dizzy heights of 18st (252lbs) before dropping to 12st in 2006 (168lbs) only to ricochet back up to where I am now. I am ashamed, disgusted, disappointed. I am constantly out of breath. I have stopped taking care of myself. I avoid my reflection in the mirror, and I avoid going out. My work is suffering, my social life, my marriage – everything.
This has to stop. And this blog is where I am going to talk about making it stop. It’s for me, to organise my thoughts (on weight and other matters), but if you stumble across me here and want to follow/comment I would welcome the support (and return it, where applicable).
More soon. For real, this time.