Four days clear and this is day five. I dreamed last night that I forgot to write my promise, so clearly you’re getting inside my head, dear reader!
I promise I won’t harm myself with food today. I will stick to the plan and make it through, just for today, and deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Yesterday I had a huge fight with my husband. It ended with him buying a metric fuckton of binge food and trying to get me in on his act. I withheld, somehow. I sat by him as he ate 3 tubs of ice cream and several bags of maltesers and then went to throw it up.
So you can see, this is how we punish ourselves and each other. Food is our weapon of self-mutilation. It dulls the pain, it drowns the sorrows. When you’re in pain from carrying The Brick it stops you from feeling anything else. You hate it and you want it more than anything.
I don’t know how I made it through yesterday but I feel this blog had a lot to do with it. I don’t know what the future holds but I know that today – just today – I will be okay.