Day 17

I will not harm myself with food today. I will stick to my plan and deal with tomorrow when tomorrow arrives.

I have a meal out this evening with a friend. I am going to a sushi restaurant. I have been there many times, as I love sushi. However, rice is NOT part of the plan. Tempura (i.e. bento box) is NOT part of the plan. I am going to order sashimi (just the fish, no rice) and a nice steaming bowl of miso soup. It will come with a salad. I could stretch to some gyoza if I really want to push the boat out; I have actually forgotten to eat my lunch which is unheard of.

So. Deep breaths, stick to the plan.

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Day 16: Promise

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A fantastic run this morning under a beautiful sunrise. We ran 20 mins without walking intervals, the best we’ve done yet.

I promise I won’t harm myself with food today. I won’t think about tomorrow until it comes.

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Day 15: Better late than never

First day I’ve ‘forgotten’ to do my promise in the morning. Can’t be a coincidence that it’s the first day I actually thought about harming myself with food as I walked to work. I thought about writing in this journal ‘I am going to harm myself today and I don’t care.’

This thought followed hot on the heels of a bizarre temper tantrum as I put on my shoes and coat to leave the house. The new jeans I bought on Saturday keep riding right down on my butt so that half an acre of flesh between my trousers and my top is exposed, all flabby and pale. Disgusting. I got so angry I threw my shoe down the hall and ripped off my t shirt to replace it with a dress that obviously covers all of the area in question. I went full Hulk. Then I burst into tears.

‘This is why,’ I told my husband, who just took hold of me for a hug, wisely saying nothing. ‘This is why I can’t be fucking arsed to bother making myself look nice. Everything I own is shit, I look shit, and I hate myself.’ Which sums things up nicely. I have a picture in my head of how I want to look, and in no way does it match how I actually look now. The discrepancy angers me. It makes me want to harm myself.

And maybe I will. But not today. I promise I won’t harm myself with food today. I will stick to my plan and think about tomorrow when it comes.

I can push past this anger.

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Day 14: 2 weeks straight

I promise I will not harm myself with food today. Just for today. Tomorrow may be a different matter but I won’t think about that till it comes.

Very odd happenings on the scales this morning, given a stellar weekend of good food and loads of exercise. Up to 239 from below 236. Can only think it’s water related due to the exercise – a ten mile hike yesterday – and will tick back down soon enough.

The scales aren’t everything. I feel very good.

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Day 13: A promise and a walk

I promise I will not harm myself with food today. I will stick to the plan and not think about tomorrow until it comes.

I am out for an early morning walk with my hubby. It is beautiful.

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Day 12: Here again with my promise

DAMN I feel good this morning. Such an endorphin high I was dancing around my bedroom to Michael Jackson, scaring the cats and generally feeling great. I had a shower and actually bothered to dry my hair. It looks good. I am going to put on a bit of eye shadow and perfume, and walk in to town this morning. Suddenly it seems worthwhile to give a crap about me. Suddenly there seems to be a ‘me’ underneath all the self-loathing and disgust to actually give a crap about.

My weight has been bobbing around the 235/237 mark for the last couple of days, and I’m fine with that. I’m coming to the end of my period, so hormonal weirdness should stop soon.

This morning’s run – day 2 of week 5, C25K – was epic. Two intervals of 8 minutes jogging, with a 5 min walk in between. It was tough in places, especially running up the hill at the end of the first interval. But we did it, hubby and me, and it feels a bit like winning a race, winning a prize. And the prize is to feel good, for however long or short a time.

And so once again I am here to make my promise: I choose not to harm myself with food today. Tomorrow is another matter, and I will deal with that when it comes, but just for today I am going to stick to my plan and keep feeling this good.

Thank you, dear reader, for sticking with me.

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Day 11: Promise

I promise that I will not harm myself with food today. Tomorrow may be a different matter, and I’ll deal with it when it arrives, but for today I am promising to stick to my plan.

Not much else to say this morning. Just got to get on with it.

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